As a kid I was told, you will never amount to anything in life. And other statements I cannot fully remember, but that one was the worst.
I grew up feeling I could not measure up to the standard set before me. My parents did the best they could, and tried their best too. I believe their parents set standards for them which also were unattainable for them as well. This profoundly affected their views, and shaped the ways they learned and thought. It would profoundly affect their parental abilities later after marriage and raising us kids who came shortly thereafter.
But as the Bible says all have fallen short of the Glory of G-d and are in need of his Grace. Now I stand in need of G-ds healing graces too!
I grew up in school always in trouble because I felt I couldn’t measure up there either. The thought that I would likely never amount to anything in life terrorized me day and night.
I remember little projects I did to get praised by my parents or sibling sister, but when I didn’t get the admiration I thought it deserved, I felt hurt, I destroyed them, I tore them to pieces, I personally self destructed my projects and then would be so depressed inside because I destroyed the thing I loved so much, that no one else thought was worthy of their admiration. I went into my bedroom and just would cry to G-d for hours.
No one knew the hurt I felt, I internalized it and later in life because I never felt affirmed by my parents, I shut everyone else out too because inside I said, no one will believe in me if my own parents do not believe in me. So I was constantly in trouble as a most rebellious teen. No one knew why, neither did I until today as G-d revealed my heart to me.
I secretly do not believe even G-d wants to bless me with a wife that I would feel honored that G-d honored my request. Because inside I do not trust him that he wants to do this for me based upon the traumatizing events I suffered as a child learning you cannot trust anyone in this life.
I believe G-d can do it, so I believe in him, however I do not trust he cares enough to bless me with the wife I desired all my life because I was never affirmed as a child, a teen, even to this day I do not feel my parents believe in me because the things they say to me concerning my dreams, my entrepreneurial enterprises.
They tell me I waste my money, I am wasting my time etc. They do not believe in my ability to be an uncommon achiever, they never affirmed me and they put me down saying I would never amount to anything in life, then gave their reasons why they thought that.
It has profoundly affected my belief in G-d as my Father because I now do not trust any promise about deliverance for me from my sins, I do not believe he cares enough to do for me what he has for others. And it stems from my childhood memories of things my parents said 30 years ago that still hinder me to this day, but the buck stops here, and goes no further!
I do not require their belief in me, nor their affirmation no more, nor do I seek it from here on out. They are not my gods no more, I exist no longer, no more to please them or even try to make them proud of me, No More!
Jehovah G-d is my G-d. I am his Son, and because he forgave me I now forgive them and set myself free of their unachievable expectations of me. I just pray they will be healed of those unachievable expectations placed upon them by their parents as well. I pray for them to be healed also.
We all want what is best for our kids, but if we shoot them down before they grow up by cursing their lives saying “you’re stupid, you won’t be nothing when you grow up” it is statements like those that are so devastating.
I forgive my parents now, and I am more than a conqueror through my L-rd Jesus from Nazareth who gave his life that I could be redeemed from the curse of those words ignorantly spoken by my parents 30 years ago. I know it is out of their own wounded hearts that they couldn’t please their parents either, that so shaped the way they raised their children being myself, and my sister.
I tried everything to medicate my pain in my hurting wounded heart. I tried some drugs such as weed, pot. I tried alcohol, cigarettes, promiscuity. You name it I probably did it. I did it all, that I could attempt to forget the pain I felt by feeling pleasure and if but only for a while. Porn magazines were the favorite candy to ease my pain because I felt pleasure and it helped me escape the reality of the moment.
The only problem with that is that once the enjoyment left the pain was still there. To this day I struggle with that addiction. But knowing why I do that I believe shall aid me in the defeating of porn out of my life entirely and I pray soon rather than later, Amein!
My emotional wounds never healed even unto this day, now it is true, it caused me to be in constant trouble in school, and no one could figure out why. I couldn’t tell them because I was not able, nor could I fully comprehend the exact issues nor did I possess the intellect to express my pain until today as the Writer & Author G-d Almighty has created me to be.
Now I begin the healing process with G-d.
First in my forgiving my parents for the disservice they did to me in cursing me though ignorantly, yet they still did and for that I forgive them, because partly I believe and know that it was done to them as they did it unto me.
I further cannot permit them to nor can I be around them if they wish to continue speaking negatively about any endeavor I take on, for if they do I will swiftly cut them off out of my life until they repent of their disastrous words.
If you won’t speak positively about me, around me, and to me, you will be denied access to my life permanently as well until you repent of your wicked ways and that goes for anyone!
I will not sacrifice my eternal life for people even if those people are my parents, I will not sacrifice my life to be attacked personally by their unbelief in my abilities, their doubt, their lack of faith and whatever else it is that comes out of their mouth.
If they deny they did these things, it may be that it was too horrifying to remember that they blocked it out, if that is true I forgive them. If they wish to persist in those negative remarks, I cannot subject myself to that and they will see me no more until they repent and acknowledge the misdeeds in the past up to this present day.
Unless they change these errant ways of theirs, I will not give my other cheek to them to smite because I ran out of cheeks years ago. Enough is enough, and I have learned that if you allow abuse to continue it surely will continue. This is where it ends today right here, right now!
I am going to appeal to G-d now in my L-rd Yeshua from Nazareth, asking him to help me not only believe in his desire to bless me with my wife I know he knows I love in every fashion way and form whomever she may be.
I also ask G-d to help me trust him because I never trusted anything my parents said, Oh I believed them, but I never trusted a word because early on I learned not to trust them at all, not ever, and that is because I erected walls that were unable to be penetrated. I was tired of feeling hurt so I turned my hurt into fury, rage, and vengeance.
Now I am willing for the Holy Spirit to penetrate those walls, to heal me and help me discern who to allow past those walls, and who to keep out.
I want to trust that G-d will not only heal me but in healing me he will set me free from pornography, and add to me my future wife. I am committed to this process no matter what it means, no matter how painful it is for my parents to read this, or anyone else.
It is not about them, THIS IS ABOUT ME! Read my font! It’s About Me receiving healing from Jehovah G-d. I shall be healed!!
I DESERVE TO BE HEALED!
I love my Parents, but I just am no longer willing to stifle my hurt for their comfort.
If you have similar experiences in your life, I pray for you right now in the Holy Spirit, that you will be ministered unto by this word and that you too will come to realize it was not your fault that you were wounded. And I pray you will begin the Journey to Your Healing in G-d by the L-rd Jesus from Nazareth as he heals you and aids you in the ability to trust him, and as you trust him for one day at a time.
Days will turn into weeks, weeks into months, months into years, “Just Trust Jesus for One Day at a time, One Week at a time, One Month at a time, One Year at a time” And he shall surely Heal You.
Almighty G-d loves you, I Love you too, and I am praying for you. So please pray for me too.
Shalom Aleichem {Rest in His Peace} Amein.
Love Joshua Carl S. Vitale~
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